Looking for love in all the wrong places...

A lot of people put a lot of energy into meeting people, especially when they are single and want to date. I have a lot of experience through my time in the Navy on how to approach meeting interesting people and how to avoid negative experiences in the process. You think it is challenging to meet new people in your home town? Try meeting new people in a foreign country who may or may not speak very much english. Acutally, in some ways it is easier to meet people outside of your comfort zone than in your home town. Being a stranger in a strange land gives you a lot of interesting things to talk about when meeting new people. I, and many of my Navy friends, have successful records in meeting people in foreign lands and convincing them in a few hours that it would be a good idea to let us sleep over at their place and take us around town to tour the area. That is the level of social skills we developed in order to have a good time while overseas. This is what I offer to share with you here.

Let's get to the nitty gritty, though. First off, even if you are lonely and want a partner for dating and fun activities you better shed that attitude right away. There is nothing that destroys your ability to comfortably meet new people than the emotional stress of desire to meet people and the underlying stress of the need for companionship. If you are specifically needing, wanting, or even desperate to meet new people for companionship then it comes across in your body language and your tone and it is uncomfortable. The reason being, why is this person talking to me so desperate to meet new people and make friend? Don't they have any friends? Why don't they have any friends? They must be a freak.

Relax. Just be in your situation and be open to interesting and new interactions. Like still water reflects the scenery, be like still water and relax so you are a part of and reflect the scenery that is hopefully pleasant and positive.

If you are shy and scared to approach strangers in conversation, that stress comes across in your communication as well. It'll mess it all up and then you'll have a negative experience that just makes the next time you talk to some one new even more nerve wracking.

First off, you are a human being and they are a human being. You share that in common. Second, unless you are patronizing one of the worst dives in a red light district then there is no physical danger to you in talking to some one. The worst thing that will happen to you when you talk to some one new is they will give you a cold reception. If that happens, it's almost never about you personally. If you immediately jump to conclusions that you are the cause of their negative reaction then you'll be guessing and trying to figure out what is wrong with you and develop all kinds of self-conscious issues about what you could have done wrong. People have bad days, people don't feel like meeting new people and have other things on their mind, people may assume you are hitting on them and have had a lot of negative experiences in such scenerios, etc.. etc.. There are hundreds of reasons why some one doesn't react positively to your approach besides you. Don't be so egotistical and self-centered to think it is all about you.

Second, don't be all nervous and awkward. A person can pick up on your emotional state and often times theirs starts to reflect it, or if it doesn't then they can get real annoyed that your emotional state is causing them discomfort. If you see some one you are interested in but they intimidate the hell out of you then skip it. I don't care how interesting or attractive you find them in that moment, there is always some one else and there is no reason to screw up your day/night getting shot down because you are an awkward creep stuttering bad one-liners at the bar. Believe it or not, a lot of people will watch your interactions and form their own judgements based on how it goes. If you get shot down a couple times then approach a third person, they may very well be aware they are your third or fourth choice and think that is just sad and dumb.

Third, do not compliment the person on how they look, especially if they are attractive. You can compliment them later if they continue to interact with you. Attractive people are often the victims of lame one liners and awkward come-ons. Don't fit that mold, break it. Get their attention, introduce yourself and give a short reason for you being where you are... "Hi, I'm Danny. I'm here with my friends to watch the world cup." etc... or if you are alone, "Hello, I'm Scott. I'm grabbing a bite to eat before I go to the book store..." etc... Establish who you are and why you are there. Do not say, "Hey. You're hot. Can I buy you a drink?" One, that's common and low and two a lot of people will let you buy them a drink and then blow you off. You are out the price of a drink and left sitting by yourself while they go back to tell their friends how creepy you are.

Know this, in social psychology a person is considered a stranger until there is seven significant interactions with another individual. People are built with a stranger danger attitude. You have to overcome the perception of being a stranger and a danger. Once you have enough significant interactions then you are an aquiantence, a much easier state of being to work towards friendship.

Ask for advice. People love to give advice. Try to pick something you think they are interested in and ask some advice regarding that perceived interest. If they look fit and strong, ask advice about some local gyms. "I need to start working out more. Do you know of any good gyms in this area? I was thinking about (name gym) at (name location) but I don't know if it's all that good." If you already look like you work out all the time this is not the best option, go with something else such as "Hey, I've been doing rock climing for a while but I'm getting bored with it. Do you know of any good outdoor activities in this area?"

Now here's the thing, I'm not saying you lie. Don't do that. Lying is easy in the short term but in the long term it totally screws your credibility, not only with that person but with all their friends who they tell about your lying. Pick something you know about and are curious about.

Attraction, on the non-physical plane, is about shared likes and dislikes. The more similar likes you establish with this person, the more they like you. The more things you say you like that they do not like, the less they will like you. So, considering this, avoid any controversial topics and don't take any strong positions on anything. For example, "What, soccer? No way, soccer sucks." That's bad.

Lastly, here's the hardest thing for most people to do. After introducing yourself. Talking. And sending all the body language and tonal cues that you are interested in them, then break off conversation and go back to doing something else. Let them know where you are going to be and what you are going to be doing, but that it's okay to interrupt you if they want. "Hey, I'm going to head back over to the bar and talk to Jacob (know the name of the bar tender). It was nice talking to you. If you have any more good suggestions come over and let me know."

The formula is come on strong and confident, establish you are interested in them, then back off and allow them the power to decide whether or not they want to continue to talk with you.

If they do not come back to talk to you then that's fine. The encounter was still positive and it will go towards the significant interactions necessary to become an aquaintence with them. Remember their name and whatever you talked about. Go about the rest of your day/night; meeting other people, watching t.v., playing trivia, or whatever. If you see them later, wave and say hello (insert name), but nothing else. Do not continuously look over at them or their direction. That's creepy.

If you are capable of it, be funny. If you are not, do not try to be funny.

If they do come back over to talk with you, then you were interesting enough to talk to a second time. You may want to know if they find you attractive. During your conversation, lean forward to tell them something in their ear. If they turn their ear towards you and lean towards you, that's all good. If they stiffen up or lean away, then they just find you interesting at this point, not attractive. Don't do the stereotypical try to touch their arm or hand. Touching with hands is much more aggressive and can derail the entire interactions.

Be aware of body language. Mirror their stance and hand positions. If they are leaning towards you and making eye contact, you are golden. If they constantly look elsewhere and are slow to answer questions or come up with their own topics of conversation, they've lost interest. No big deal, move on.

These are just the basics of meeting people. The most important thing to remember is don't be afraid of new people because they are not going to hit you, stab you, shoot you, or light you on fire for politely talking to them. Unless they are completely insane and/or you are one creepy perv.

Here's a list of major things to avoid...

--Don't talk too much. If you are talking more than them then it's not going so well.

--Don't talk about your mother, father, or parents. If your parents are not there with you then there is no reason to talk about them.

--Do not talk about an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend. That's just dumb. If you feel compelled to talk about them then there's no reason to talk to new people. Go get a therapist to talk to about those issues.

--Don't talk about your strange or unusual hobbies. If you're a trekkie, a fantasy role-playing gamer, a live action role player, an anime fan, a comic book collector or whatever, realize that your hobby is not mainstream and popular. No matter how much you enjoy your activity, 9 out of 10 people do not share that interest. Stick to the basics.

--If you want to talk about your weirdo hobby, then bring it up in a round-about way. "Hey, have you seen those PS3 commercials for God of War 3? They're hilarious." You'll know all you need to know about how they feel towards your hobby when they react to your peripheral reference.

--Don't talk about intellectual and specialized knowledge. Sure, you might know about the moral imperatives of Immanuel Kant but I'll bet you anything than most people you meet have no idea what you are talking about. And while you may have found Frederich Nietche's existentialism fascinating, almost everyone in the world thinks he's a negative, pessimistic, jerk. The general population does not want to talk about the nature of a singularity and how it affects space/time around a black hole. Nor do they want to hear how Adolph Hitler was a foot messanger in world war one and learned a lot of his political and strategic lessons from reading documents he was delivering on the front lines. Shut it, Einstein... no one wants to hear how smart you are when they first meet you. Most of the time no one wants to hear how smart you are, ever. Trust me, I know.

--Don't talk about religion, unless you are very religious and it's important to you to establish that up front. Otherwise, don't criticize religion. You might bash Catholicism and the person's beloved granma that baked them snickerdoodles when they were sick with the chicken pox was a devout Catholic who died last week. Good going, jerk. You just bashed her dead granny while their grief is still fresh.

--If you work out a lot and are in shape, don't talk about it. We can see you're buff, don't be a self-absorbed weirdo and talk about how many reps you did during your 2 hour workout this morning.

--No matter how much training you have in being a Ninja Assasin, never talk about it. Sure, it's interesting to read about but it's a completely different thing to be sitting across from some one telling you how much training they have to kill people with their thumb. No matter how nice you are it's offputting to tell people how you invest a lot of time in learning how to maim and kill people.